This lady in Walgreens talking loudly on the phone about her relationship with this younger man; talking about how much she loves him and how he makes her body feel. How much she feels alive by the way he flirts with her and how long it's been since she felt like a woman. She says he doesn't even ask for that much money, only what he needs. She said the only thing that makes her feel some type of way is that he has a girlfriend that's his age. He tells her how immature his girlfriend is and how he always preferred older women. The lady also says he calls her randomly and only sees her late at night. Well story goes on and the lady says she caught a glimpse of her lover and his  girlfriend at a restaurant: apparently she was pretty with a nice shape. She said all she could do was stare. She said she could've left the restaurant but everything inside of her said to go introduce herself to her lover's woman. As she approached the table, her lover stopped her, stood up and introduced the older woman as one of the best ladies he knows. The older woman was struck dumb and could only muster a smile and a nod (not in that particular order). Her lover said that this woman (the older woman) was a mover and a shaker. Someone who is a power player. Then he said, "She's like a mother to me. " The older woman, defeated, slowly walked back to her table to gather her coat. She watched from the window, as her lover's lady laughed and carefully wiped food from his mouth. The woman was in tears, inconsolable, as she said with the ugliest of tones, "He had the nerve to come to my house at 2:41am. I'm so stupid. I let him in. "
I hated having access to this conversation. It broke my heart. This was definitely a mature woman, probably even somebody's cute grandma, but had so much life and love in her. I wondered where were the men her age, I wondered why she would allow such behavior at this age,  I wondered how great it must feel whenever she comes alive with the attention of someone youthful and virile. Then I thought of how many women and men accept less than they deserve just to feel. Just to have excitement. How much to we worship and covet youth and beauty? How much do we sacrifice of our own souls and self worth just to have a little moment of it? We have forgotten how to enjoy ourselves for ourselves. Too many loved starved folk having emotionally damaging relationships for temporary satisfaction. It's a sad state of affairs. Be aware but be more protective of your heart. Emotional health is just as important as physical health. Cultivate being alone and discovering new things about yourself. 🖤

recordsremindme of lovers-

i aint from this time. justatravelinthru.
ima tightdress, redlip, updo,
slowdance, handhotonthesmallofmyback type.
samestory. sameshine. stillsearchin:
for whatsmine.

Secretly and quietly, every year since 2001, my heart floats out of my body and meets you in a space that death is not powerful enough to part...I will always love you...you taught me true love and boundless friendship. You kept GOD in our house. You championed, challenged and communicated with my spirit in ways that have changed me forever. You were a great husband, father, friend...gone before we could get our footing. My heart breaks when I think of how important everyone was to you, how purposefully you chose to live, how huge your capacity to love, your generous nature and yet, how you were taken away so senselessly. there are no coincidences. Our time was without time! people always expect widows to be sad...but when I think of you, I'M SO GRATEFUL for your life...sooooo grateful to be the only woman you married and the last woman you loved.


8/23/ every year

Haiku

how can i cure you
make you consider me now
is your heart ASLEEP?

her mind races fast
she scans his face for comfort
ha! nothing is there...

looks for a mirror.
touches lips, belly and neck
tears fall like feathers










2013

I'm working on my language. How I speak to myself and about what I'm doing. My negativity is  pointed out by those who care ( I only trust a very small few). It is the biggest form self sabotage (even in little ways). I tend to go there regularly when I'm stressed, feeling insecure about something or my money ain't right *insert Lucy cry.* I have hindered myself many times with this but I am determined to change. I keep pushing. You can't be positive to others and negative to yourself.
What I am most interested in is how we speak to each other. Do you use veiled compliments/supporting others as a passive aggressive attempt to take shots at others' successes? Are you condescending or belittling in your tone? How many times do we use humor to perpetuate the most triggering parts of body/ hair shaming, colorism, sexism etc in our everyday talk? With people we love? Many times it's brushed off with "it's not that serious." People are their histories. If I told you I was raped, don't use that language to describe ANYTHING EVER. If my friend is transitioning to natural hair, don't speak negatively about her hair and talk of another texture as better. If my brother is working on his weight, don't call him out of his name or remind him when he was bigger. Of course there are more examples but you get the point. Too many people get off on using the most hateful language and intentions in the name of love. Like they say, if you don't have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself. We need everyone strong and feeling good. At least the closest to it we can get. We got way too much work to do! We can't do it with weakened, beat down folk. Hold yourself accountable for what comes out of your mouth about yourself and others. Vibration is real. I'm tired of the hate all around. Some only see the big ways we shame, disrespect ourselves and each other but it is the small everyday ways that pile up and weigh us down from being our best selves. Too many of us hit below the belt regularly. Check yourself. I will be doing the same. Be gentle.🖤

The only thing that stops me from deleting folk and shutting down completely is that I remember that community is all of these things: those who give and those who take, those who pray and those who won't, those who judge and those who lead, those who wait and those who can't... all of it and so much more make community. We should be angry, uncomfortable, confused. How else can we shift perspective? How else can we incite change? Community is that bridge that holds everyone's truth. How do we function? How do we build? What stays and what goes? Again, this is any city, at any time all over the world. Truth is truth. As Nina Simone sings, "The Time is Now. "


4/29/15

single mama warrior stance: poker face (smiles fit this category). big lady drawers. buckle up and buckle them in. create magic outta piece of string and a random button. act  happier, less tired, more attentive. carry your own bags. carry a sleeping toddler. listen to teenage world like it's everything (bcuz it is). still feed folk. clean. no real rest.
:single mama small pockets of peace: a thought here and there, a song you love playing in someone's car reminding you of a different time, samples at Costco (the tall debonair fella who rushed to get his bread buttered so he could look you in the eye and taste with you at the same time...raisin walnut yummy lol), the ride to work (earphones or book), laundry day, when your patterns match without effort (a personal favorite), a shoe sale, the perfect lipstick, a colorful scarf,  laughing with good friends, this random post...
:single mama destination: real, real rest. good, good love. to go beyond her biggest dreams. to see her children fly, too!


3/15