Being a nice girl is never enough.

sometimes being a nice girl is such a crutch. my inside voice, when i was young, always said: they are not gonna like what i got to say. i was raised that this was being a lady and that was being a lady. when i spoke from my heart, it was always: you gonna have a heart attack, that's enough!, get in your place. sometimes ignored. i was always loved, though. it was easier to be nice + helpful+ quiet. easy to look pretty feeling ugly. i hated nice but it was so easy. i couldn't be mean, but i could be mad. thank God for art.
when my husband was killed, i had anger. i used that beginning mourning period to be and say whatever i wanted. needed. nicely, but unapologetically. the new folk i met dancing, only knew this bold thing with big smile and batting eyes. full of flirty fun. oh, i made noise. just nothing that truly opened my voice. opened me. thank God for movement. music. drums. beads and paint. lovers...i've been hiding my voice in them ever since. most times i feel nothing. i search and fill. it is never enough.
i'm so tired. my throat chakra is struggling. there's a prologue, i've yet to share. there's scenes my mind won't delete. there's set and costume changes i hide in the pupils of my eyes. you don't know me. i'm not sure if i will ever...but i'm not too sure i have a choice. so, i'm grateful for this time with my Ori. i happily discard heaviness daily. i even pray when i'm walking. i know i'm in there somewhere. i have never been more excited to find out!

12/13/14