I came here with a broken heart. A heart busted at the seams, spilling beams of light. Still in love and no longer wish to be. Instead, pouring it all into me. Slowly.
Sit inside myself mostly at twilight. Close my eyes remembering touch, corner gazes and how the air smelled.
The day it was goodbye. The marked pleasantries that weren't really us. He sunk his head in my neck; my tears rolling into his ears.
My shattered heart is beautiful and painfully in my throat. I'm hoping for something great to be birthed from it; something to commemorate it's brief, fragile life.

Even if it was only me who could love.


1/2/15

When you walk in gratitude for everything, especially sudden change, people often mistake it, belittle it, villianize it or you. They expect you to overreact, to plead, to trick, to do something out of character. No one can hardly believe that there are people in the world strong enough to walk in acceptance, strong enough to be humble and take a lot, strong enough to still be happy and smile. When you walk in gratitude for the creator, for life itself, trials and tribulations let you know that you are close to your core self.
Who are you all the way inside? Are you a thief? A coward? A cynic? A user? Judgemental?  Or are you still loving? Resourceful?  Still seeking happiness? Still feeling blessed?
There's always a choice. People do the best they can with each other. Everyone has tough choices to make in life. Do it in a spirit of peacefulness and good character. It takes practice, prayer and purposefulness.
I am grateful for challenges. I am grateful for acts of kindness (small or big). I am grateful for a buoyant, determined,  resilient nature. I am grateful for spiritual wisdom and guidance. I am grateful to have a big, loving heart (even if no one ever understands me or how many times it's been abused). I am grateful for the love of my children, my family, my friends. I am especially grateful for my ancestors. I am grateful for all the opportunities I get to strengthen my faith and walk in love. Everything in life is a blessing.

grateful for my mama. that cord can be cut, but not broken! the endless words & stories that made me roll my eyes (in a quick blink or opening wide of eyes, like my Journee does me) and think in my mind of plugging my ears deep with my middle fingers (bcuz i betta not really do it), i now beg for!
tonight my mother reminded me of the strong line of women i'm from. many who had to raise a family without a man, some with little money. it's easy to forget that amidst all the myriad of shades of femininity, worn like a best coat (even a modest one). the strong praise and deep love of men. they didn't wait or complain more than quick kitchen check in. something had to be done, they just did it. they still do it. unapologetically.  no special war cry. not even many tears. these women are never as simple, delicate, fabulous, difficult as they seem. there's a side A and B to the glorious legacy. so many lived/live on their terms boldly or quietly (those are the real warriors of our tribe). i look again at the women in my family,  the stories, the nerve of such and such...i am this way on purpose. all of it. all of me.
as much as someone is telling you what not to do, concerned what you'll do, telling you what you should do...they secretly hope you get away with whatever was pressing you so bad...and will applaud and pass on the story if you do! the closer i get to my spirit, the more i sit still, the extra care in which i listen, in this now moment: the more i own my own paradox. one day, my descendants will tell my stories and laugh and shake their heads and wonder what i was really like! please, many of my maternal line of ancestors would kill to have my challenges, and face them with absolute joy...and now, SO AM I. i am so grateful!


1/23/15

Never in my life have I had to deal with myself as I do at this phase. I mean, really look at me: who I am, where I am, what I want. I've spent my entire life doing for other people. Not as a doormat, but purely out of love. It was not always interpreted as such, there are many vampires with low vibrations who feed off of others' kind spirits. Even when I have nothing, I give because that's how I was raised. Anyone who took advantage of that or used it as an opportunity to categorize, box, downgrade me or my intentions could never truly touch my spirit. Take it or leave it, I'm exactly who I claim to be. I always thought I had enough energy for everyone. I was so sure I would always have enough reserve for myself.
It was not true! I thank the Creator for my children, because I may not have always been as self protective of myself but I will fight for my children. They give me strength and purpose. I'm learning to say NO and mean it. I'm learning to truly value alone time. I'm faster at eliminating that which doesn't serve me. I'm learning who my true tribe is: we don't have to talk everyday or every month even. They know I get silent and inside and depleted; they know to step back. They know that no matter what, I will stop everything to be there for them. They know I love fiercely. They remind me to dig deeper into myself.
I'm on a journey where I can no longer define myself by my past accomplishments, past loves, past anything. I'm in a new city feeling my way back to center. I give thanks for a painful, rocky transition from Baltimore to Chicago. I give thanks for the angels that met me here, while I navigate through everything new. Sometimes I'm scared of myself, my pen, my art, my body, my voice. I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always been a risk taker. I am now discovering who I am without the gunk of past thinking. I spend a lot of time having to motivate myself while keeping my children safe and happy. I work in a field that's entirely new. I'm blessed to be at a place where it's hard to see myself, remember myself. I still have love and joy for everyone because I know for sure that who I am at my lowest: my core is full of love and joy. I have experienced unbearable things but I'm still here. I'm using my fear as fuel to recreate my now life. I'm excited to see who I am becoming. No one and nothing will stop me.