Never in my life have I had to deal with myself as I do at this phase. I mean, really look at me: who I am, where I am, what I want. I've spent my entire life doing for other people. Not as a doormat, but purely out of love. It was not always interpreted as such, there are many vampires with low vibrations who feed off of others' kind spirits. Even when I have nothing, I give because that's how I was raised. Anyone who took advantage of that or used it as an opportunity to categorize, box, downgrade me or my intentions could never truly touch my spirit. Take it or leave it, I'm exactly who I claim to be. I always thought I had enough energy for everyone. I was so sure I would always have enough reserve for myself.
It was not true! I thank the Creator for my children, because I may not have always been as self protective of myself but I will fight for my children. They give me strength and purpose. I'm learning to say NO and mean it. I'm learning to truly value alone time. I'm faster at eliminating that which doesn't serve me. I'm learning who my true tribe is: we don't have to talk everyday or every month even. They know I get silent and inside and depleted; they know to step back. They know that no matter what, I will stop everything to be there for them. They know I love fiercely. They remind me to dig deeper into myself.
I'm on a journey where I can no longer define myself by my past accomplishments, past loves, past anything. I'm in a new city feeling my way back to center. I give thanks for a painful, rocky transition from Baltimore to Chicago. I give thanks for the angels that met me here, while I navigate through everything new. Sometimes I'm scared of myself, my pen, my art, my body, my voice. I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always been a risk taker. I am now discovering who I am without the gunk of past thinking. I spend a lot of time having to motivate myself while keeping my children safe and happy. I work in a field that's entirely new. I'm blessed to be at a place where it's hard to see myself, remember myself. I still have love and joy for everyone because I know for sure that who I am at my lowest: my core is full of love and joy. I have experienced unbearable things but I'm still here. I'm using my fear as fuel to recreate my now life. I'm excited to see who I am becoming. No one and nothing will stop me.