Fingers in the Water

my heart you've sliced free
messy wildfire of fear & desire
this thing i'm scared to trust i've offered you so
gently my heart spilling an awkward magic

now he says i love you like something's changed

i give nothing back but memories

i'm laying by the river fingers in the water

his words ripple/run senselessly

only my feet get
wet

goodbyes are like this

Haiku: Morning Walk

there is nothing left
no drama/no sea between
just silence/blank space

rain dousing my nest
burnt ash of cinnamon sticks
rebirth is rebirth

how do you know, love
there's not wealth under my robe?
squeezing my heart cold

Control

leave em strung out like junkies
moving in and out of worlds mercilessly
hey
i take my heart seriously
need to control that shit with me
your crooked unattended way of existing cannot douse a single
memory

Untitled

lights are on like i'm scared of the dark
laptop/tv/traffic outside repeating clashing into each other can't get my body my mind aligned

yr silence is deafening

Smoking Moon

moments are just moments
like crisp leaves stored in favorite passages of books
walks back and forth along the road
cold smoke
smokes
smoking moon
so heavy so light   always
watching always
silent soothing
brooding
drunkened feelings

we shouldn't have

Tapeworm

he agreed to meet for coffee
just coffee
just talking
not too much

tapeworm tethered to my stomach
feeding on my desperate need to touch

we were never supposed to be
he agreed
to meet for coffee

his mouth contorted spilling oil
voice diminuendo
eyes coal cold cloudy dark
disconnected from
love
sloppy disturbing mad immediate wonderfully wild fecund
love

yet he did agree
to meet for coffee
talking quickly like too much silence might cause his countenance to leave residue
lingering of love
of longing

i watch
wait for an opening a glimmer a slight shift to know
we actually did exist

grateful i wore blue
red lipstick

maybe
it was just too soon

my heart:
a four cornered room*



*insert War's, "Four Cornered Room"

Small Movements

i missed the first step trying not to fall
reserve myself
to small movements

i slide next to him pretending to be cold
sit on my hands even
deliberately quiet trying not to
breathe

he seems so fragile yet i'm aware
how i project
how i shift to fit when things are unclear

i break my fall this time with my hands
try to ruin what i won't get

he devours my space ferociously
thinks i'm still her so
he keeps following me into these rooms

i let him
outta habit

he never saw me: i never let him
says he knows me

i say he never knew when i left

After Sunset

my thoughts are mine
if i want to take you
i shall
unceremoniously play after sunset rhythms nightsounds streetlights buzz heels clicking laughter/horns
doors opening
repeatedly

you covet moments of peace
honey in coffee tongued
beast
in the dark yr voice lay
inside
me

Small Things

tickled by the light in yr laugh
thrilled by the tension
that kiss in yr eyes
i'm intrigued

you seem so lost
you fixate on small things
(like everybody cares)
you notice
nothing
not even me loving you

Here Again

dancing purging
drenched walking
late
i say
no/don't we keep
ending up here
he tastes me without
ceasing taking space
reserved for one
who will stay

Haiku for girl/woman

soft burgundy skin
brown halo/stars on her cheeks
that smile: reaming red

so decidedly
exploratory/no room
for heart stretching love

walking around sad
like she ain't nothing but ass
everyone sees: queen

Flytrap

opening doors clicking on lights
rooms
past lives
searching for love
like change on the street
walking in circles looking down looking ahead
behind people
seems like you never find it when you need it
unsatisfied souls search for big hands in the dark
flytrap hands
she swam thru memories
treasure chest of liquid tokens
sand thru fingers not enough to
heal
she screams inaudible
words inedible silence broken
web dangling
window eyes like
rivers
she is what she cannot see

yet

Room No. 5

red stained room trying to contain the heat
magic between yr legs
i discovered today in the front
seat of yr car

how do you go home
to her with me
on yr fingers?

Detour

remembering
his eyes
freedom & fresh air so many stairs
echo
open door room sky blue with clouds
laughter
the kiss between us
that could never happen

detour

cigar in the courtyard
long walks thru painted trees
stairs overpowered with earth
grandeur
& infinite sky
synchronized feet
i look at you
you smile
we kiss
we can't touch
leaves crumbling
taking it all in
zigzagged streets i'll never find
again

Honeysuckle & Magnolia Down the Block

he said no one would love you
he said he'd hurt auntie and mommy too
you thought people smelled the stench on you
you decided to make things beautiful
be beautiful
insides hurting and all
lose yourself in the beauty
you imagined the ugly
voiceless and small
smaller dust blown away like
glitter into galaxy

you collaged images from here and there
the brown brush yr mama used on yr hair
her high cheek boned smile and twinkling eyes
(that stayed slightly open when asleep)

you saw daddy in his favorite brown suede coat
cowboy mustache catching the milk of beer at the pizza place
while we had floats
sneezing outside from hay fever between jokes
(we laughed so hard)

you watched auntie place a perfect mole above & to the side of the right corner of her pink satin stained lips
the care she took in preparing
the sharing of beauty tips

you dreamt of a white lace dress
tied delicately with a bow
cool/sharp
green grass on feet & toes
brilliant/gentle sun
the smell of honeysuckle & magnolia down the block

you began dancing wildly
hoping they were/
not peeking
using everything
tables armchairs
reflections in the china cabinet
you danced
thru unbearable formless feelings full of forever freedom
all over & everywhere

you started hoarding art/emotions/air
giving pinches here and there
a stingy playmate
you felt it didn't matter
you felt you didn't matter
so long ago
you said it's not my fault cuz
i was five

what did i know?

Crown

he didn't want to touch my hair
focused inside my face

said:

you beautiful looking thing.

he paused.

says:

THAT'S WHAT YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE WHEN IT'S DRY???

ummm...yes
i say

*silence*

i thought:
this is one of those things i cannot live with any longer. my man must
love touch
my hair
took me too long
to believe in it

he said:
WHEN I MET YOU, YOU WORE THESE LONG BRAIDS
THIN
GODDESS LIKE I LOVED WATCHING
YOU DANCE
BRAIDS PLAYING DOUBLE DUTCH
WIT YR BREAST AND BACK
SNAP OF YR BEHIND
Ooh...

*silence*

i thought: see. this is why we make better lovers.

i smile.
unable to give myself completely anymore without this special love that saw my crown
of coils divine soft
pleasurable beautiful
desirable

i lay beside him: loving him
with his full beard antennae of hairs loosely coiled up
at the end
i twirl my tongue around a lassoed chunk accepting
his beard its three gray hairs his day old bald head the
coarseness
stubble mixed with coconut oil
i kiss his ear pure delight
ready for his fullness
pantiesquickly softly down my thighs reaching between his legs for
warmthhardnessmoisture fingering
hair blanketing his pubis
field of earth
erect and ready thrusting closer breath synchronized hearts
in clave

i remember that look on his face after the shower

he does not like my hair he preferred it when it wasn't mine
not the halo of curls passed by
my mother's mother's mother
not my own
hair

i gave only my body that night

i never called again

Super Moon

i.
my entire body aches.
i will always remember the super moon.

have you ever given
rage fire
cold sticky stone walls
hold them in yr hand
like an egg
love?

ii.
i gaze at the moon flickering between floating fleeting clouds
before midnight
sweater wrapped like net over my gills and fins
this moon
growing bigger than my heart you'd
rather turn away from like
i'm some mystery
who stumbles thru tears and fingertips
you
with the stars on yr chest and back
yr posture
voice erect like earth
off axis

i sit and wait for the super moon to engulf me
dragonflies bounce off my nape and shoulders in the dark

left with silent kisses
the weight of yr hands
my feet bound:
sparkling,  shimmery
and
shameless

i wonder...