The only thing that stops me from deleting folk and shutting down completely is that I remember that community is all of these things: those who give and those who take, those who pray and those who won't, those who judge and those who lead, those who wait and those who can't... all of it and so much more make community. We should be angry, uncomfortable, confused. How else can we shift perspective? How else can we incite change? Community is that bridge that holds everyone's truth. How do we function? How do we build? What stays and what goes? Again, this is any city, at any time all over the world. Truth is truth. As Nina Simone sings, "The Time is Now. "


4/29/15

single mama warrior stance: poker face (smiles fit this category). big lady drawers. buckle up and buckle them in. create magic outta piece of string and a random button. act  happier, less tired, more attentive. carry your own bags. carry a sleeping toddler. listen to teenage world like it's everything (bcuz it is). still feed folk. clean. no real rest.
:single mama small pockets of peace: a thought here and there, a song you love playing in someone's car reminding you of a different time, samples at Costco (the tall debonair fella who rushed to get his bread buttered so he could look you in the eye and taste with you at the same time...raisin walnut yummy lol), the ride to work (earphones or book), laundry day, when your patterns match without effort (a personal favorite), a shoe sale, the perfect lipstick, a colorful scarf,  laughing with good friends, this random post...
:single mama destination: real, real rest. good, good love. to go beyond her biggest dreams. to see her children fly, too!


3/15

remember who you are! stand up! spread yr legs and arms. holds yr head steady and center. close yr eyes. speak life into yrself. let it ooze up and down yr bloodstream. let it soothe yr bones. when you get yr the heart: fill those wounds with all the joy you know. all the joy you can hold. all the joy you see! the joy you can imagine. the impossible joy is sooo possible!  let it overflow. raise yr head to the sky. open yr eyes! then go to a mirror. look into yr eyes and smile. feel yr heartbeat thru yr finger and toe nails, reach each strand of hair on yr body. now put on some music and dance!

8/9/15

judgemental, without joy, sun, love or lubrication: don't park here. i bite.

gut instincts are a call to go deeper into meditation and prayer. take it to the Creator. spend time in silence and nature. clean your space and clear your thoughts. make art. take the time you need to come to center. no one can give you what God can. you owe no one for taking space to connect with your own divinity. send love and healing energy to all and everything you don't understand. take time for self care. write. move your body. accept all of yourself: where you are, who you are,  who you want to be and how you want to do it. move in peace.

4/16

I don't want to be in the league of people who love to show and share murdered black people. What do you do? We need to acknowledge that there was a life. We need to hear and pray with the family and friends. A public grieving.
It's not enough. I watch and then I don't anymore. I cry and pray. I refuse to live in fear. I'm even more scared because there is no protection for black women. We barely make the news or neighborhood conversation when these things happen to us. Yet we will be on the front line. I'm sickened by the state of affairs.

7/7/16

Go ahead and hate selfies (hate that word) if you want, but I love to see Black women love up on themselves in a world who treats us as if our beauty shouldn't be! The other day, this older woman with a walker with a bright, yellow zebra and flower print dress asked if I know how to work an iPhone. She asked me to take her picture. She wanted to be under the tree. She threw her head back, smiled and posed. The leaves were shading her satiny dark chocolate almond face, barely a wrinkle. We changed direction. She threw that head back again. Tree still shading her. I wanted her to see herself, you know? We went to another tree, younger with leaves reaching up and out. This time when she threw her head back, this beautiful woman smiled the most magnificent smile, stuck her leg out and flung her fist all sassy on her hip! I had her take two more poses and she didn't hesitate! She then went to sit on her walker, thanked me and showed me the pics she took of herself. I showed her how to angle the phone down so she wouldn't have a big chin. We laughed. She told me they call her a "Facebook competitor." I told her she'll shut them down with her new pics.  She then showed me pics of her grandson's prom. I watched her upload her new pics. I thanked her and continued my morning walk.
Sometimes I see young Black girls taking pics of themselves on the train, my own daughter in the mirror or using the light from the window, my friends on Facebook, my own self- many of us who never see our images reflected back to us as positive, beautiful and even at all. I smile to myself each time I see this. We can get deeper, but it's really not that deep. You don't like it, scroll by fast, that's all. Life is short. It's the little things,  you know? Affirm yourself, no matter who you are, with whatever makes you feel good!

5/19/15

You can learn from everyone. It is not my practice to negate the wisdom, energy and blessings of those younger than me. I revere them as I do my elders, just in a different way. At this age, I'm between worlds. I've spent equal time as youth and adult. It can be tricky or a blessing. I seek to uplift those youth who have something to say and give, allowing space for them to grow, providing true unbiased support without belittling their wisdom, paths or intelligence. I can also be taught! I hope my elders will see and do the same for me as well. Everyone has their time, there's no expiration. Each "time" has something specific and special to give for that individual and those around them. There is no competition! Creator may I work hard to free myself up from what I think I've missed and embrace what this now moment brings, providing strength, encouragement and motivation from my presence/life's work: from who I am in this world at my simplest and most complex. May those who are now elders to me also do the same with me. May the blessings flow easily, equally and in time for everyone. May we all be uplifted from our own unique and beautiful paths. Love only. Ase.


9/16/14

Don't. Come. For. Us. You don't know Black Women. We don't need weapons. Trust. Our MOTHERS are watching. We'll even gather the broken! Whoever you are, whatever your agenda we will win. We are armed with the blood of our ancestors. Any attempt to annihilate us, spiritually, emotionally, physically, psychologically will be met with the eternal curse to your children and your children's children. And so on. And so forth.
Keep killing our people? Keep tearing down our babies? Whoever you are and whatever your agenda is dead. The big and the small. Macro and micro. The shift has begun! Trust. Can you feel it? Hold on great ones. Believe! Mothers are watching. Love on.

8/11/16

up working in silence. i love the hummmm...the cars here and there. house whistling and creaking in surprising moments. big girl mumbling/baby laughing while asleep. heartbeat/body still moving like coming in from a night of dancing. my feet tingle.

last year was so noisy: i was deaf.

happy new year to me.


1/4/14

who we think we are has absolutely nothing to do with who we truly are inside. some hate you so much they think they love you. some hate themselves so much they pretend they love themselves and others. some spend their lives being exactly who people have decided they should be. some spend their lives denying their true selves because of pain, anger and fear, running from people, trying to control love, refusing to allow joy. many spend most of their lives always blaming others for whatever they don't have. it takes a lot to confront yourself, what doesn't work, what you need to get over and through. spirituality is a conduit but it requires faith + action. friends can help but ultimately it is you! it requires getting up and starting over when you think you've finally started pulling it all together. it means digging deeper thru disappointments, false starts, fake friends, other's agendas, things not moving quickly enough, death of love ones or loss of security. sometimes it all happens at the same time!
only you know you and what to do. time to work from the inside out and get it done! remember to love yourself thru it all...even if you gotta keep reminding yourself over and over, even cry with a purpose...when it's your time, it's your TIME. setbacks are part of growth; it just means there's something you missed and need to correct. there's no fear!


12/26/14

My first erotic dream came from Prince's Dirty Mind poster my friend, Pam had at her house. I had finally met someone young and obsessed with him, too. She had grown sisters who were so tickled by our friendship and endless Prince sharing, that they got tickets for us to see The Purple Rain concert. I babysat to earn money to buy this purple button down shirt and pin stripped Lee jeans to wear. I played with my hair, hoping to look like one of his protégés. My mother, not understanding how deep this was for me, didn't allow me to go because there was no ticket for my sister. I tore the shirt off, threw it down the stairs and locked myself in my room (well closed the door lol). I think I stopped talking for two weeks. Yesterday, she called to make sure I was alright. I cried a lot and was a mess all day. I was never and still not understood, besides being a nice girl. I always felt like he expressed my inner side so deeply. Almost every musican I met became one because of him. I fell in love with Nina Simone because he said in Ebony magazine that she was one of his influences. I'm so grateful, like many others, that he soundtracked my entire life and development. He was free and boy was he beautiful.

4/22/16

What if everyone's first thought: whether looking in the mirror, interacting with people, moving about the world, was to inspire? What would that look like to you? How easy would it be to judge, if your first thought was compassion? Even when seeing other's insecurities, fears and pain? How could you inspire others with what you say, how you hold your energy, how you conduct yourselves, how you make space for yourself and others? I say less judgement more compassion. Less criticism more thoughtfulness. Less gossip and group think more investigation and cultivation. Everyone is not for everything. We are all here to learn and grow. We are all needed. Individually and as a collective. Nothing is wrong with being wrong: let's work on communicating in higher ways. Everyone evolves in their own time. Be easy.  Incorporate honesty, integrity, curiosity and empathy in your dealings. Walk away from low vibrations that drag you away from your center and purpose. Trust the God working through you. Inspire, be inspired, be more loving. Don't forget yourself! We have work to do.

9/12/16

how many women were shamed because they developed early? how many received inappropriate attention, advances and commentary from men when they were 10-14 (most definitely 15-17) because of their bodies or beauty? we have to gather our girls, adult girls (some get stuck) and women in serious, specific dialogue. i could get deeper but you know. those who know what to do and those who are doing it know what i mean. yeah. all the meanings.

9/16

I BELIEVE in US. This war is sooo subtle, so ingrained in the fabric of American culture, so covert that the main people who should be aware are decidedly resolved and uninvolved. I believe in the Art of War. When they go hard, we go soft. Now it's time to love up on each other, make sure everyone is alright, have what they need, police our own communities, monitor the schools, show more compassion for those who have lost their way, make sure the children are safe, protected, loved on, fed, heard. Make sure the elders are not lonely and well taken care of. Time to recreate culture, community. Time to redefine all relationships and all relating. Looking at social media, the news, listening in on people's open conversations about what we hear about and those things only the locals know; listening in on what we hate about the opposite sex; how we openly degrade, downgrade and debate on issues that should be in separate houses (yes, they are some issues only for women and some only for men) is disheartening. I still believe in US. Let's change the way we see, think, listen, speak, do for each other. Hold our truths up unapologetically like shields of strength, a special skill set needed to fight this war on hope. Let's arm and teach each other how to survive not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Your first community is your home. Your family. Let's decide there first. Collective thought is power.   Collective healing is a must. It's not a privilege for only those who are aware of what's happening but needed more for those who don't have a voice. Generations of sickness, sadness, disappointment and despair that we wish to wish away. The NOT US is US, too. As a teacher, you are as good as your most challenging student. Who can you reach out to today? Who are you willing to listen to without judgement? Who can you give to without a fb post to commemorate? How are you working to heal and change your own heart about the world around you? What's going on with the world inside of you? We have a lot of work but we are MAGIC. Don't let them pull you from your center. Don't give into the lie of hopelessness you see around you. You are the hope. I believe in us. Let's arm and equip each other. Beat them with our brilliance.

11/5/15

Be loving or be silent. People who need help or support usually ask for a specific type of help. They know exactly what they need. It usually requires YES or NO. People who need help shouldn't have to run down their entire scenarios, play by play to receive judgement or unsolicited advice. People who ask for help don't want to be treated like they are 12, powerless and in need of guidance. People who need help don't need your ego, projections and photo ops. Some choose which way to help folk based on how they want to look to other people. Some only help so you can be well enough to go back and to help them. Society has become so individualistic that a person who needs help is treated as a criminal, a bum, a loser, an opportunist or weak. The ones who actually are these things get plenty of help! Why can't a person who needs help, just be a person who needs help? It can be anyone at anytime. Let's be gentle with each other. No one knows what another is facing. Sometimes just loving energy, prayers or silence helps more to increase the vibration. Do unto others...or be SILENT. Some help is no help at all. Check your ego and your heart.


9/25/14

my mommy says, "don't say what you don't want." many speak in anger and fear, few are brave enough to weather a sea of the unknown. we cling to what we mistakenly think will protect us. we become defensive when there's no sail, just emotions. love is wonderful and scary. if you trust the water, you'll see how strong you really are, grow and discover new aspects that only love can bring out.

There are some people born bubbly and excited about life. It is not a skimpy dress put on for show. However, I will wear that dress, but because it makes me happy and I like me! These same bubbly, happy types are frequently misjudged as too nice, not bright, flaky, or without boundaries. Not THIS woman. I will NEVER apologize for my natural disposition or the many facets that make me! I'm proud to be a highly intelligent, formidable force, honest and giving. I was not raised to hit people below the belt or use manipulative tactics to make myself feel good. I celebrate everyone, although I'm amidst those who only celebrate themselves. I do it with pure joy regardless. Belittling the efforts or effervescence of ME, ie discredit, sexualization, bulldozing, BOXING INTO CATEGORIES will be met with my sweet, bubbly, exciting, SILENT indifference. Project that mess into the mirror, not towards ME! Don't mess with the QUEEN. Said with total love and respect for everyone. Save some respect for me.


6/14

they may try to negate you, imitate you, make you feel worthless, call you names. but i say sprinkle your sparkle over all you encounter, see your sister in those who don't know, who have buried the secret of their own beauty. bust out in your boldest you, even if it's to just speak your truth. take the time, as much as possible to check out your profile in store windows, put on your sexiest when you're feeling low, try a color you were always told you shouldn't, write "I LOVE YOU" in lipstick on your bathroom mirror...and make sure you laugh loud and free with your head held back, full moon in your eyes...


12/14

the words, "i love you." pure and in absolute truth. from your lover, children, family or friend: has unlimited healing power. whatever on the outside, we do not know what's going on in the inside. say i love you. heal a heart. save your judgements. just listen. save a life.


1/8/15

I came here with a broken heart. A heart busted at the seams, spilling beams of light. Still in love and no longer wish to be. Instead, pouring it all into me. Slowly.
Sit inside myself mostly at twilight. Close my eyes remembering touch, corner gazes and how the air smelled.
The day it was goodbye. The marked pleasantries that weren't really us. He sunk his head in my neck; my tears rolling into his ears.
My shattered heart is beautiful and painfully in my throat. I'm hoping for something great to be birthed from it; something to commemorate it's brief, fragile life.

Even if it was only me who could love.


1/2/15

When you walk in gratitude for everything, especially sudden change, people often mistake it, belittle it, villianize it or you. They expect you to overreact, to plead, to trick, to do something out of character. No one can hardly believe that there are people in the world strong enough to walk in acceptance, strong enough to be humble and take a lot, strong enough to still be happy and smile. When you walk in gratitude for the creator, for life itself, trials and tribulations let you know that you are close to your core self.
Who are you all the way inside? Are you a thief? A coward? A cynic? A user? Judgemental?  Or are you still loving? Resourceful?  Still seeking happiness? Still feeling blessed?
There's always a choice. People do the best they can with each other. Everyone has tough choices to make in life. Do it in a spirit of peacefulness and good character. It takes practice, prayer and purposefulness.
I am grateful for challenges. I am grateful for acts of kindness (small or big). I am grateful for a buoyant, determined,  resilient nature. I am grateful for spiritual wisdom and guidance. I am grateful to have a big, loving heart (even if no one ever understands me or how many times it's been abused). I am grateful for the love of my children, my family, my friends. I am especially grateful for my ancestors. I am grateful for all the opportunities I get to strengthen my faith and walk in love. Everything in life is a blessing.

grateful for my mama. that cord can be cut, but not broken! the endless words & stories that made me roll my eyes (in a quick blink or opening wide of eyes, like my Journee does me) and think in my mind of plugging my ears deep with my middle fingers (bcuz i betta not really do it), i now beg for!
tonight my mother reminded me of the strong line of women i'm from. many who had to raise a family without a man, some with little money. it's easy to forget that amidst all the myriad of shades of femininity, worn like a best coat (even a modest one). the strong praise and deep love of men. they didn't wait or complain more than quick kitchen check in. something had to be done, they just did it. they still do it. unapologetically.  no special war cry. not even many tears. these women are never as simple, delicate, fabulous, difficult as they seem. there's a side A and B to the glorious legacy. so many lived/live on their terms boldly or quietly (those are the real warriors of our tribe). i look again at the women in my family,  the stories, the nerve of such and such...i am this way on purpose. all of it. all of me.
as much as someone is telling you what not to do, concerned what you'll do, telling you what you should do...they secretly hope you get away with whatever was pressing you so bad...and will applaud and pass on the story if you do! the closer i get to my spirit, the more i sit still, the extra care in which i listen, in this now moment: the more i own my own paradox. one day, my descendants will tell my stories and laugh and shake their heads and wonder what i was really like! please, many of my maternal line of ancestors would kill to have my challenges, and face them with absolute joy...and now, SO AM I. i am so grateful!


1/23/15

Never in my life have I had to deal with myself as I do at this phase. I mean, really look at me: who I am, where I am, what I want. I've spent my entire life doing for other people. Not as a doormat, but purely out of love. It was not always interpreted as such, there are many vampires with low vibrations who feed off of others' kind spirits. Even when I have nothing, I give because that's how I was raised. Anyone who took advantage of that or used it as an opportunity to categorize, box, downgrade me or my intentions could never truly touch my spirit. Take it or leave it, I'm exactly who I claim to be. I always thought I had enough energy for everyone. I was so sure I would always have enough reserve for myself.
It was not true! I thank the Creator for my children, because I may not have always been as self protective of myself but I will fight for my children. They give me strength and purpose. I'm learning to say NO and mean it. I'm learning to truly value alone time. I'm faster at eliminating that which doesn't serve me. I'm learning who my true tribe is: we don't have to talk everyday or every month even. They know I get silent and inside and depleted; they know to step back. They know that no matter what, I will stop everything to be there for them. They know I love fiercely. They remind me to dig deeper into myself.
I'm on a journey where I can no longer define myself by my past accomplishments, past loves, past anything. I'm in a new city feeling my way back to center. I give thanks for a painful, rocky transition from Baltimore to Chicago. I give thanks for the angels that met me here, while I navigate through everything new. Sometimes I'm scared of myself, my pen, my art, my body, my voice. I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always been a risk taker. I am now discovering who I am without the gunk of past thinking. I spend a lot of time having to motivate myself while keeping my children safe and happy. I work in a field that's entirely new. I'm blessed to be at a place where it's hard to see myself, remember myself. I still have love and joy for everyone because I know for sure that who I am at my lowest: my core is full of love and joy. I have experienced unbearable things but I'm still here. I'm using my fear as fuel to recreate my now life. I'm excited to see who I am becoming. No one and nothing will stop me.